Hoping for death (again)
by SlytherinElektra
Summary: Or how Loki's suicidal tendencies made him an Avenger of sorts. And a damn good one at that.
1. Chapter 1

The man had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and hadn't even given them a name. He had long yellow hair, shiny teeth, a very weird and colourful outfit and an arsenal of magical weapons. And he was defeating him. One by one.

They were incredibly overpowered and were losing. Natasha was unconscious after she had fallen from a very considerable height. The Hulk had thrown himself into the Hudson river after hearing some strange noises in his head, and had not re-emerged. Tony was trying to fight his suit (or get out of it) because he had completely lost control of it. Thor had been knocked out by Mjolnir and was trying to open his eyes again, fighting to be conscious again.

There was only them left. Barely standing in the middle of Central Park, trying to fight a losing struggle. Steve and Clint - and their enemy had Clint by the neck, the arrows having fallen to the grass.

"It is a pity that most of your comrades will not see you die. I would have have enjoyed the looks on their faces. Now farewell, little archer."

The man with strangely shiny teeth smiled again, as he buried a sword on his chest.

Clint didn't make a sound. The thing didn't even tickle. He didn't feel anything, and there wasn't any blood. Odd.

The man looked confused and and simply buried the sword again. Nothing continued to happen. The faces of Clint and Steve wore an expression of utter confusion.

"What's happening?" Steve mouthed, barely above a whisper.

Clint just shrugged.

Tired of the frustration, the enemy attacked again, this time trying to snap Clint's neck. The easy, old-fashioned way of killing. But his hands were stopped. By magic.

"Don't you hate it when that happens?"

Clint couldn't believe his ears. He knew that voice. As did Steve, whose eyes widened at the presence that had suddenly appeared behind him. A familiar figure, dressed in his usual leather green and gold clothes with black and green eyes.

"Loki."

"In the flesh. Now unhand my minion, villain."

The man laughed loudly.

"You are calling me a villain?"

Loki simply smiled and got closer.

Steve didn't know what to do. Stop him? Let him do his thing, whatever it was? The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? Even if said enemy of the enemy was also an enemy. This was doing nothing to diminish his headache.

"What are you doing here?" The man with shiny teeth asked, not wanting anything to spoil his big finale. His big moment.

"Evil things, most probably. Now let him go."

The man was still holding Clint, despite Loki's warnings.

"Why should I spare him? I have already killed three of his companions and..."

"You have done no such thing." Loki interrupted. "The Lady Natasha fell on some cushions, Bruce Banner is wet but otherwise intact and the Man of Iron regained control of his suit and is flying right in this direction...Here he comes, in this moment."

Tony flew to the scene in Central Park where their enemy was holding Clint, Steve was looking terribly wide-eyed and Loki... was there too. So it hadn't been some sort of weird dream. It was really him who fixed his suit.

"Did you do this?" the man said, lookig at Loki, finally letting Clint go. "Did you save them?"

"He did." Tony said. "No idea why, but it was him."

The man with yellow hair seemed angry. He was very angry - he'd been so close to taking them all down for good.

"Loki, we should be on the same side. Why are you undoing my work?"

"Let's not ponder on the reasons, shall we? It is unlike you to think too much. I have come to finish this, seeing as the earth's mightiest heroes could not. Do not question my motivations. Just fight me."

And there was a sudden voice behind them. A grave, strong voice. Thor, who had arrived only seconds after Tony. He had a bad feeling about this, about the participation of his brother. It couldn't be good.

"Loki, be careful."

The man with the shiny teeth retrieved his sword, that seemed to be glowing. He ignored Thor and got closer to Loki - his hands were now shining green, filled with magic.

"I do not want to kill you, Asgardian. But I will if you keep interfering."

Loki grinned, confident. Everything was going according to plan. Perfect.

"I will love to see you try."

There were flashes of light and screams in the sky and the Avengers gazed upon it in awe. They didn't know who were they rooting for. Loki? Should they really be rooting for Loki? How did they know that he wasn't going to be a bigger problem? They didn't have to wait too long for their answer. Seconds later, they saw their enemy and his sword disintegrate in the sky while he screamed in agony. That was it. After such a long fight, the man was gone. He was no more.

And then something else fell into the grass, gracelessly. Thor was at his brother's side in seconds, holding his shoulders. Loki was suddenly filled with cuts, and there were big hole-like wounds on his chest and stomach, and he was choking on his blood. There was also blood in his hair, in his legs and arm. The skin was marble white. The eyes were losing their light.

"I have you, Loki. We will heal you. You will survive."

Loki took his brother's arms, with force. He needed to say something. And it was important. The most important thing of the whole plan.

"Enough. I...want a funeral, Thor."

"NONSENSE!"

"Burn my remains. I do not wish to come back. I have had enough."

"Loki, no, please, do not..." Thor was crying.

"Please, brother..."

Loki's eyes rolled in the back of his head and he was suddenly limp. And Thor was still crying. Why did Loki put him through such torture? Didn't he know how much it hurt, seeing him like that? And those last words... Did Loki truly not want to come back? Shouldn't he honor his wishes?  
Tony appeared behind him and saw the bloody mess that was Loki. He didn't know if he was even alive.

"Thor..."

The voice somehow made him take a decision. The only decision that he could take, really. The only true possibility.

"Take him to your tower, Anthony. Save him. I beg you."

And who was Tony to deny that to a teary-eyed norse god?

"Will do."

Tony attached the body of Loki to his suit and quickly flew out of there.

Steve and Clint went to Thor, doubtful.

"Hey Thor... do you have any idea of what all that was about?"

Back at Stark tower, a group of medics tried to stop the many bleeding wounds of the God. They were going to have work hard on him, but were hopeful. The man was going to pull thorugh, he was strong. Some of them shuddered at the amount of scarring. Others were worried that they were saving a very dangerous individual and would regret it.

Tony simply wished they would save because the pain in Thor's eyes had been a bit too much for him to handle. And because that guy, who'd been public enemy number one not so long ago, had just saved them from an enemy that had almost defeated them. And doing so almost costed him his life. He couldn't die after that.

Tony wanted to, at least, say thank you.

The wounds were bad, but Loki was even worse. He would not go so easily, despite himself. When his consciousness returned to him, he could hear beeping and felt needles in his arms.

He was alive.

Damn.

He had waited for so long for the proper opportunity, after all the time, after all that he'd done - he just wanted another nice death to leave a lot of good memories. He had fixed things and messed them up again so many times, he had started to doubt such an opportunity would arise. But then it had. And in New York, the very city he had almost destroyed not so long ago. He would go in a blaze of glory and the Avengers, his so-called enemies would remember him fondly. They would mourn him, the whole city would. As they should.

He hadn't want to come back.

Not this time.

But there he was, still alive.

His plan had failed.

A/N: reviews are love!


	2. Chapter 2

He was angry.

Loki was so very angry.

It had taken him so long to find a good way - a fitting end to his story. And these stupid mortals... they couldn't know. They couldn't understand all the hells he'd gone through to reach this decision, to make this plan. All the pain, all the rage, the never-ending amount of self-loathing. They could not understand that this was the best he could aspire to. Leaving a nice memory in those who he had wronged. The hope of glory, the hope of forgiveness. The hope that he couldn't mess it up anymore this time, because he was no more. The hope that he wouldn't have to cope with his family, with the nightmare of still being himself.

The Jotun runt with delusions of grandeur.

Evil.

Unreliable.

Not worthy of any kind of trust.

He would have proved them all wrong and made them see how mistaken they were when they judged him. They would have mourned him, they would have missed him.

But no. He had to live - and for what? What did he had to live for anyways?

He had tried, had tried being good, had tried being evil, had tried being himself simply and tried to please others and stil, still, he hated himself. The lies, the pain, the rage, the defeat, the hatred, the loneliness, and still it went on and on and on... All the little victories he had were only the setting for bigger falls. And he fell and fell and he was alone. He only had Thor left and Thor was always so occupied saving the nine realms, with his friends and lovers. No. He was too tired.

He had only asked for one thing.

One little thing.

Death.

But not even that was granted to him.

When Loki opened his eyes, Thor was next to him and his barely open green eyes were watering.

_Why? Why? Why? Why?_

Fillled with an unprecedented anger, Loki removed the needle in his arm and took his brother by the neck, pinning him to the wall. Thor looked a thim with wide eyes.

"Why, Thor? Why did you have to save me?"

"Loki, I-"

"I asked for one thing, one thing alone, after saving all of your pitiful lives, and yet -"

"I could not simply leave you to die, Loki! I would rather die at your hands than know than know I could prevent your demise and done nothing."

"You denied me my dying wish!" Loki screamed.

"You were not dying, Loki, and you will not be as long as I can prevent it."

Now the tears were freely falling down on Loki's face. He felt so disappointed, so betrayed.

"You ruined everything."

Tony had been alerted by JARVIS of Loki's waking and had wathced the exchange of silence. Now, this answered the question of why Loki had done this. He had wanted to die. Now, that Tony wasn't expecting. He saw Loki pin the mighty god of thunder against the wall with one of his skinny arms and saw the heated exchange between the two form the doorframe - unable to act. He had to admit that he felt a bit scared when Loki set his icy stare on him.

"Damn you and all your descendants, Stark!"

"Me... What-"

"I know it was you who brought me to all this damned medical care. I threw you off a window and that is how you repay me?" There was pure venom in Loki's tone.

"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before saving my ass. And in my defense, Thor begged. A god begged me. I mean it's kinda difficult to say no to that."

Loki shot his brother another hurt look, released him and simply walked out of the room, trying to ignore the feeling of being a complete failure. No time for melancholy, his plan had failed so now he needed a new one. He wouldn't waste any more time.

Pepper had been pacing on one of the living rooms, worried sick, when he appeared. Loki. He was wearing only some pale blue cotton pants and a similar t-shirt (the clothes the medical personnel had dressed him in) and he was determinedly walking forward. He was bruised and stitched up in many places, and there was a trail of blood going down his left arm from where the IV had been removed that went down to his hand. Pepper didn't know if she should be scared of offer a kleenex.

"Stark's lady friend, I assume. I imagine that you have some sort of weapon to defend yourself?"

The man and smiled and Pepper felt all his imposing presence - the guy was just so tall, even without the impressive armour.

"I'm not giving you my gun, if that's what you're implying." Pepper said, determined. She wasn't the kind the get easily frightened by criminals.

But Loki wasn't just a criminal. He was so much more.

"No need." He said, and her gun materialised suddenly in his hand. "Magic."

And then Pepper saw, getting increasingly confused, how Loki pointed the gun at his own temple instead of pointing it at her. Oh, dear. He wasn't going to shoot himself right there in the living room? Right?

Before anything could happen Mjolnir flew through the room, effectively taking the gun away from Loki's hand and smashing it. It hurt. It hurt like hell.

Loki rolled his eyes, annoyed.

"Thor." he said, barely above a whisper. "Bane of my existence."

Pepper could help but smile at the familiar irritation on Loki's expression. She knew the feeling. Unphased by this new obstacle, Loki directed a glowing green hand to his heart. He didn't need a weapon. He was the weapon. Sadly, this didn't work either. Before the hand had even touched his chest his eyes rolled to the back his head and he fell, face first, in to the floor. There was a dart buried in his back.

"STARK!" Sais Thor's voice from the entrance of the room as he ran towards his fallen brother.

"Don't worry, he's just stunned. I wasn't gonna let him off himself in front of Pepper. It could traumatise her or something." Tony said, calmly walking in with a stun gun in his hand while Thor picked up the unconscious Loki from the floor.

Stark smiled, as if this was just another day in the office.

"Hi Pep."

"Tony, what...?"

"Remember how we didn't know why Loki saved us? We do now. Turns out he wants to die. Thought putting himself in the line of fire was an easy way to achieve that. But dear Thor has a strong opinion on the subject."

Thor left his brother on the sofa, wishing he could something more. Had he been wrong when he had asked Stark to save him? Should he have followed his wished and let him die and honourable warrior's death? Had he been selfish when he'd begged Stark to save Loki? Maybe. But there wasn't any other choice, he knew. He couldn't lose Loki again. Never again. He would rather have him, broken or whole. The alternative was even more painful than this. That he knew from experience.

When Loki woke up again he found all the Avengers looking at him, surrounding him in that big living room. He tried to teleport himself somewhere else, somewhere where people wouldn't interfere with his plans, but couldn't. Something was blocking his magic. He looked down, and saw two pieces of metal with a purple light on the middle of them. Stark explained.

"Cool, huh? Anti-magic wristbands. They used to be cuffs but I took the chain off, wouldn't want you to feel like a prisoner. We all want you to get better." He said with mock concern. Loki merely sneered at him.

"Why will you lot not simply let me die in peace?"

Natasha spoke, the voice of reason.

"Because of your stunt in Central Park. People have footage of you saving the city and then going to Stark tower. If you suddenly appeared dead, shot down or worse, they would blame us. Say that we are assassins who killed a man who was trying to redeem himself. We are a tactical team for earth's safety, it wouldn't unheard of. But it would reflect poorly on us after what you've done. And we can't have civilians questioning us - it would raise questions we don't want to answer."

Loki cursed himself.

Stupid, useless Loki.

"But your plan could still work" the soldier said. "I mean, it almost worked last time. Keep coming with us to the battlefield, fight like you did. Maybe our next enemy will manage to kill you."

Loki raised an eyebrow, disbelieving.

"Are you offering me a position on your team?"

Steve nodded.

"But there are some conditions. In between fights, you will wear those and you'll be on suicide watch. One of us will always be with you to make sure you don't kill yourself and if you are wounded in battle you will receive medical attention, like it or not."

"The alternative is having chained up and throwing you in an asylum, 24-hour therapy style, so if I were you, I would consider it." Stark added.

Loki thought about it. It wasn't ideal, but being chained would be far worse. And an asylum - no. That was too close to a prison cell. Not that again. Never again. It seemed that he had no choice. Not for the moment, at least.

"Then I have conditions too. I will always wear my armor, not some silly lycra thing." People nodded. It seemed reasonable. "I will not talk about the Chitauri, or the other, the invasion, the battle. None of that."

They wouldn't know. They could never know.

"Anything else?" Tony asked. He had a good feeling about this guy, for some reason.

"I want a room with a decent bookshelf. And a bathroom for myself, of course."

Tony's smile widened.

"Sure thing. Welcome to the Avengers, Loki."

A/N: Me updating quickly! Hooray! Hope you enjoyed!

You know you want to review! ;) ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Loki's room was big, the walls were painted pale green and there was a big- well, enormous bed in the middle of it. There was also a book shelf with some books, as he requested, books about science, books about war, books about the functioning life on Midgard, fiction. And a nice big window and a luxurious bathroom for himself. He really had all that Midgard could offer him, all the little things he could ask for. So much more than he would have expected from former enemies.

But yet, he didn't want to be there.

There was a voice on the walls, watching him, making sure he didn't do anything odd or self-harming and alerting the Avengers. He had tried, again, after being left alone in his room. He was stopped - and felt even more frustrated. Useless, frustrated Loki.

He' been angry, at first. Thought of a million ways in which to get back at the Avengers for this, a million ways to sabotage the building, the whole organisation, to get him out thrown out of the organisation, with a bit of luck be sentenced to death. So he could finally have some peace. But part of him felt that he was going to fail. Just like head failed at everything else. And then they would mock him and chain him he was just so tired of everything.

Exhausted and still sore, he put on some pyjamas and went to the big bed, finally, to get some rest. The bed was incredibly comfortable. He found himself lost in a world of half-true things, of visions and monsters, of regretted last words, of hatred, and sardonic laughs and mockery.  
When he woke up from his nightmares, he was even more exhausted than before. So he stayed in bed, in the world of darkness he had created under the sheets and blankets, trying to ignore the sun outside the windows, reminding him of his continued existence, of the world that kept turning. Thor came to his room to say goodbye, because he was going to visit his girlfriend.

"I know I'm not the most welcome sight for you now, so I will leave to avoid distressing you any further. But remember that I did what I did because I love you. Always, Loki. Never forget it. Farewell, now."

Loki stayed in bed, feeling unable to get out of the warmth it provided, and dreading the start of his stay in that place.

Dreading everything.

He was so tired of the memories, so tired of the nightmares. He'd put all his hopes in this plan, on dying once and for all and now he didn't know what to do with himself. The thoughts of there being days, weeks and even months ahead of him was incredibly discouraging and only made him feel more miserable.

He wanted to be better, wanted to wake up and show those damn Avengers all his worth... But couldn't. He felt pathetic and weak and stupid. A failure. He was ugly and unwanted and a monster with no worth who should have gone to Hel long ago and...

"Rise and shine, Loki! I think you have slept more than enough, don't you?" The voice of the Captain of America interrupted his thoughts, as he strode in the room, smiling, and opened the curtains. The sun light hurt Loki's face, his whole being, ferociously. It was awful.

"I am not in the mood for rising, Captain, much less for shining. "

"Gosh," Steve said, taking in Loki's ashen face, the shadows under the eyes, the bruises everywhere. "You look terrible. But it's nothing that a good shower and something to eat won't fix."

"I am not hungry."

"I will have none of that, mister. You already skipped breakfast and dinner yesterday, there's no way were letting you skip lunch. I'm sure you'll feel better when you eat. Oh, and we can have Bruce over to fix your hand."

Loki's hand had acquired a most unhealthy purple-black tone after being smashed by Mjolnir the previous day. Loki didn't mind the pain. Sometimes, he found comfort in it, sometimes it was him who caused it, to try and forget about the rest - the rest of his life. Something that was always there when he called.

But of course, The Avengers had to do something about it. Stupid mortals, trapping him there. Depriving him of his magic. But Loki knew that as much as he tried to blame the rest of the people this had been all his had gotten himself in that mess, he had appeared in the battle, this was all his fault.

"Well, I'll leave you to your shower." The voice of the Captain startled Loki, who had momentarily forgotten that he wasn't alone. "If you have any questions, just ask JARVIS. Lunch is in in 90 minutes and if I don't see you there I'm gonna have to drag you. So, please."

Loki wanted to cry, but didn't. He had to be strong. He had to be better than this.

He spent too long in the shower, until the machine in the walls automatically closed down.

He took out some black clothes for one of the wardrobes, and when he finally found something that fit, went out of the room. It was too sunny and his black hair was dripping wet on his black cotton shirt. Loki was barefoot on Stark tower, walking unenthusiastically. People were wary around him. Barton warned him that he wasn't as grateful as the rest, with him, and that he hadn't forgotten. Loki would have responded with a witty remark but couldn't even think.

The attack the previous day, almost dying, trying and failing to die and those damn nightmares had left him in really bad shape. Also, he didn't have his magic.

"Lovely to see you again too, Barton. " Was the only thing he could manage.

Banner greeted him, and told him that he had something to fix his hand. It was getting rather painful, so Loki agreed, even if the beast still scared him a bit. Even so, this was Banner, not the beast. Banner wasn't always green, wasn't always a monster. Loki wished he could have that luxury, too.

They were alone in the room, after Barton had left. Banner had a medical kit with him and was calmly going through it.

"Let me see that hand."

Loki somewhat reluctantly did it and Bruce noted the terrible state of it. Gods, Thor hadn't been soft. Not a bit. Bruce didn't know if meds would work on the alien and didn't want to risk side effects, so he just put on some cream and bandaged it, in silence. Loki was thankful for the silence. Banner's eyes were focused on the task of bandaging. It was for the best. He wouldn't know what to say anyways. Well, except for one thing.

"Thank you for yesterday, Loki. I know you didn't do it for us, but still. Thank you."

Loki only nodded. He wasn't in the mood for much talking. Banner kept talking, with his eyes still on the hand.

"And, just so you know... I know where you're coming from. When everyday is hell. When you hate it all and just want it to end. It's something Thor will never understand, or Steve."

"They'll want to fix everything, quickly. I know this kind of thing takes time and I know probably right now you don't want to get better, that right now or you want to do is crawl up in hole and die. I know that, I've been there. Just so you know. You're not alone."

It was a nice feeling.

Loki was slightly happy that not all the Avengers were as cheerful as the Captain, or as hateful as Barton.

At lunch, Tony monopolized the conversation almost entirely, with jokes and comments that Loki mostly ignored while pushing around his food.

He threw up what little he had eaten a couple of hours later, in the bathroom of his room. Loki didn't want to cry, but he was crying. He didn't want this. He didn't want the pain, and the misery and not being able to properly sleep or eat. He didn't want to see death as the only answer. But he just couldn't cope anymore, couldn't cope with all his past and his present and the grief and the hate... And these were the only thoughts in his head. As much as he tried to will them away, they came back.

He felt exhausted. And useless.

Steve wanted to drag Loki to dinner too, but Bruce told him it was better to give the guy some space. Steve didn't like it, where they just going to leave the guy brooding in his room, alone in the dark?

"If he's sad then he needs to see the sun and be with other people, eat something... Do healthy things."

"It's not that easy, Steve." Bruce said.

"Besides, I don't think being forced to do things is going to make him any happier, as nice as those things may be." Tony added.

It was that night when Loki re-emerged from his room. Disheveled, melancholic, bright-eyed. He had remembered his mother for some reason - it hadn't been nice. He sought the distraction of other people and found Banner and Stark on a sofa, in front of a television.

"Hey, look who's here!" Stark chanted, obviously drunk. "Want to join us, Lokes? We're eating pop-corn and drinking high-graduation liquor and watching Star Trek. You'll like it, it happens in space."

Bruce drew a small smile in his direction, and Loki nodded. Maybe the film would be distraction he'd been looking for. He fell asleep so time later, on the sofa, after too much alcohol and two hours of adventure in space.

"He can be very nice." Tony said, looking at the alien. "Pity that he's crazy."

"We have to convince him, convince him that it's worth living. I just don't know how to do it." Bruce added.

And so they left him there, with a blanket on top of him, and he cloaked again by the darkness. It was going to be a long journey until he was whole, but the Avengers were patient.

A/N: Crappy cahp, but I wanted to update and give some more kind of background on Loki's depression. Hope somebody liked ;)  
Reviews are love! (unless they're mean), hoping to hear from you!


	4. Chapter 4

In the following days Bruce and Steve both tried talking to Loki, but didn't get too far. The alien spent most of his time in his room, avoiding people, having very long showers and spending too much time on the bed (but not sleeping). People were starting to get worried not only at that, but at the fact that he barely ate anything and threw up a lot a lot of what he did ate. The guy needed sustenance, and wasn't getting any. It was a problem and no one knew what to do about it.

Thor came occasionally, but spent a lot of time out. He didn't like his brother's looks of betrayal. Loki still felt that he'd been betrayed and didn't forget that it was him who spoilt his plan in the first place, put him there. In that trap, where he was being watched, controlled.

Sometimes Loki went out and watched TV. Sometimes he drank until he fell asleep. Sometimes he just read in his room for hours, but found no comfort or joy in reading. He simply didn't for those stories. He didn't enjoy anything anymore.

One time he played chess with Tony because he had been asking for a game for a while. After winning for the fifth time in a row, he got up and glared at him.

"You didn't have to make it easier for me, Stark. I am not an idiot."

Tony's eyes widened to incredible lengths. Loki was out of the room before Tony finally took aside his disbelief, reacted and answered.

"I didn't do that! I was trying to win!"

It was two weeks later when the Avengers were called to help with a bank robbery. Apparently, the robbers had very good technology and over fifty hostages - making it a very delicate situation for regular police forces. They decided to give the idea of having Loki with them a go, but Tony reminded him that he still had those darts and that if he saw half a self harming movement he would make his threats true and send him chained to an asylum. So Loki decided not to risk it, and let those criminals do their job.

He magically entered the bank and, to put it simply, was everywhere. In the entrance, in the windows, in the vault. Every time one of the criminals shot, he was there to take the bullets, every time they wanted to move something or transport the money. He distracted and confused all seven robbers, made them go completely crazy. So when finally Steve and Tony got in as well, the only thing they had to do was disarm them, and stop them. Some even surrendered, not liking the feeling of going insane Loki had created with his illusions. Wanting to get out.

Before it was over, Loki was shot at twelve times and five of them reached the holes on his armour, the ones made last time. He was bleeding out in front of an audience. Some people were scared, others were happy and looked at him with admiration. He felt the adrenaline from the fight wear out and all his wounds start to hurt. And there were many.

One of the bullets pierced one of his lungs. He collapsed in the middle of the bank, just as the hostages started applauding them.

* * *

None of the wounds were fatal.

When he woke up again, he was extremely disoriented. He didn't know who he was, or where he was or what were those machines surrounding him. There was some plastic device below his nose, a sort of plastic tube that crossed his face. He looked around with tired, out of focus eyes. There was someone watching. Not Thor or anyone of his family, the eyes were dark. Dr. Banner. He'd been there since they brought him the previous day, with five bullets in his body. It was incredible how much abuse his body could take. There was also an enormous scar on his chest, on both sides - on the front and on the back. Something had gone through him and still he lived. It was uncanny.

So he patched him up as best as he could, but the lung injury was bad and he had to put him a nasal cannula. He didn't wake up at all. Tony called an extra medical team, but still Bruce remained there. He was getting attached - part of him could see himself in the god's green eyes, and remembered the hell he'd lived. And Loki was so intelligent... it was such a pity. All of it. All the situation.

Loki realised what had happened when he saw the Doctor why he was there. He'd gone out to the battlefield and failed, again. And now he hurt and he hurt badly. His chest hurt every time he breathed.

Banner kept looking at him.

"Hey." The Doctor said. "Good to have you back."

Loki didn't answer. He didn't know what to say, what to do, Banner looked so sorrowful. And he hurt. So much. His chest seemed to be on fire. His stomach churned and his head hurt. He felt terrible.

"You probably don't care, but that was one of the most succesful operations of the Avengers. Ever. No casualties and almost no material damage. And all thanks to you, suicidal idiot."

But Loki didn't think he deserved any credit, or praise. He'd just done some lazy tricks. Nothing praiseworthy.

"It was an easy operation. Anyone ould have done what I did." His voice sounded weak and raspy.

"No. If I had been there everything would be smashed and people would be hurt. Even with the police, the robbers would have probably been shot down. But you save them all. You're incredibly smart, on the battlefield and off." Bruce said and Loki let out a small bitter laugh.

"My intelligence has never brought me much joy."

"Maybe you were in the wrong place. You were raised in a world that worshipped war heroes, stone-cold warriors. But you're not there anymore, and Earth admires your intelligence. I do, and Tony and the rest will too if you give them a chance. You could have a great life here, be appreciated."

"Stop it."

Loki was crying because Banner seemed so sincere... but he couldn't believe it. Hope was the enemy, it always turned against you and made everything hurt so much more. He couldn't handle it. Couldn't handle the acceptance, no.

They were probably just lies, anyways.

"No, I won't stop, Loki. Part of our deal was that you were on suicide watch and I have been watching you, seen it so clearly. The only thing standing between you and greatness is this damn illness."

Now, Loki was confused.

"I am not ill. I merely wish to die."

"Ailments of the mind are as real as those of the body, friend. What you have is major depressive disorder. And it's consuming you. Everything you are, everything you could be. It's heartbreaking."

Loki looked away, to the ceiling, and then closed his eyes. He didn't want this, he hated this, hated the hurt and the feelings and... why couldn't they leave him alone in his cave of darkness and loneliness? He just wanted to be disappear.

"But like most illnesses it can be cured. And I want to help you. But I'm going to need your help, too. I'm going you to want to get better. I know it's hard, trust me, I know. But you're getting weaker, Loki and we have to do something about it."

Loki looked at the Doctor with his shining bright green eyes, still unable to speak.

"Just think about it, will you?" Banner drew a little smile as he got up from his chair and started to leave. "Get well soon."

Loki couldn't think too much, he was so tired. When he woke up again the Captain of America was there and gave him one of his sunny smiles. He talked about the incident in the bank, and told him that Thor had been there while he was out. Brought him lunch to the bed in the sickbay. _Especially made for our convalescing hero_, he had said. Such a kind man. Always worrying about his health and whether he ate, like a mother hen. He cooked for him and gave him jumpers when it was cold.

They were nice efforts. But they didn't change anything.

He hurt. He hated. There was no part of his life he enjoyed. He just wished it was all over.

And so he screamed into the night.

A/N: Another not-so-good chapter. But well, what can you do. Hope you liked anyways. Reviews are always lovely!Thanks for the support so far - you're da best!


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